This post is dedicated to all the single people out there who have to suffer another Valentine’s Day.
Because yes, people in happy relationships are in fact looking at you single people and thinking, “I wonder what they’re going to watch alone on Netflix tonight?” and “Definitely a McDonald’s night for them.”
But remember for each of these judgmental people in happy relationships, there are some in miserable relationships thinking, “Gosh I wish I could stay home and watch Netflix tonight,” and “McDonald’s sounds a heck of a lot better than overpriced Ruth’s Chris.”
Valentine’s Day at the Gym
True story: I went to the gym around 6:30 PM on Valentine’s Day one year. Whether I had nothing better to do that night, or I was was trying to buff up before seeing a lover – well that’s a trade secret for this blog. But anyhow, there were maybe 5 of us in the gym that evening – pretty empty. A dude came in about 7, looked around, and humorously announced: “Hey everyone – it looks like its loser night at the gym tonight.” Fake laughs all around.
Except he failed to notice the one woman in the back corner. Upon his labeling, she interrupted her set and ran off the gym floor, eyes swelling up, unable to restrain the sob as she exited.
The meathead at least said a “Sorry,” to the rest of us. As if we cared.
To many, Valentine’s Day is just a cash register event for greeting card companies, chocolatiers, florist, and restaurants. I’ll tell you what though, if Hallmark wanted to make even more money this Valentine’s Day, they could have a line of cards that people in relationships could give to single people. And the cards could have well-intentioned messages like the following, because believe me there are enough oblivious people in relationships who would think crap like this is OK.
I’ll Break Up After He Pays For Dinner
True story: I was at work on Valentine’s Day one year and overheard two woman who sat by me talking. The one woman said she had to leave a little early to get ready to go out to dinner at (some expensive restaurant).
The other woman asked who she was going to, and the first woman said, “Carl.”
Woman 2: “I thought you were dumping him.”
Woman 1: “I was going to, but after he said he had a reservation at (the expensive restaurant) for Valentines Day, I was like OMG I’ve always wanted to go there. I’ll break up with him tomorrow. No way I’m missing this meal.”
Broken Ribs and Valentines Day
True story: I once broke a couple ribs in an accident. Believe me a broken rib is exceptionally painful, especially when the doctors insist you cough. And use the toilet. As I was beginning to heal, my friends’ parents invited me for dinner. All the right intentions from nice people. Except they fired up the charcoal grill and served….you guessed it…..barbecue spare ribs. I felt faint and his mother felt terrible as I looked at those ribs on the dinner plate.
So to all you lovers out there, next time you say “Happy Valentine’s Day” to someone without knowing their relationship status, think of having broken ribs and being served ribs for dinner. Your intentions might be good and well, but it may be a painful jab in their ribs (or heart).
Ash Wednesday and Valentines Day
For the first time since 1945, Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day fall on the same day. For those of you who are the faithful, remember, Ash Wednesday supersedes Valentine’s Day and you do in fact need to fast and practice abstinence.
What is abstinence? Abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Including sex. Sorry.
Parting Valentines Day Thoughts
Remember kids, VD stands for both “Valentine’s Day” and “Venereal Disease”. Use your big brain.
And finally, if you are bored tonight, here is my 2017 recipe for Zucchini bread: Valentines Day and Zucchinis.
On the bright side, there are only 67 shopping days left until Earth Day. Exciting.